What Parents Need to Know About Grooming by Coaches

Why Grooming Isn’t Always Obvious, But Always Serious

As a parent, you want to believe your child’s coach has their best interests at heart. Most do. But when one crosses a line, it’s rarely sudden. Grooming is the slow, calculated way some adults build trust not just with kids, but with families, so they can exploit it later.

At Horn Wright, LLP, our sexual abuse attorneys have worked with families across New York who were blindsided by someone they thought they could trust. Grooming can be hard to spot, especially when the adult is charming, respected, or part of a winning team. But learning the warning signs early can make a real difference.

What Grooming Really Looks Like

Grooming is not just friendliness or extra attention. It’s a deliberate strategy used by abusers to:

• Gain access to a child
• Establish control or influence
• Break down boundaries gradually

It might start with little things: a nickname, a private joke, a few extra minutes after practice. Then it can shift to more troubling behavior:

• Isolating your child from teammates or other adults
• Giving gifts or special privileges
• Texting or messaging at inappropriate times
• Sharing secrets or asking your child to keep them
• Talking about personal topics far beyond the sport

Many parents miss these signs because the coach seems generous, invested, or simply “really good with kids.” But abusers rely on that image. It keeps people from asking questions.

Why Grooming Works

Grooming is so dangerous because it confuses the child and the adults around them. The coach isn’t always scary or aggressive. In fact, they’re often well-liked. They build trust not just with the child, but with the parents, too.

Your child may not realize what’s happening. They may feel flattered, special, or even grateful for the attention. That’s exactly what the abuser wants.

And if something does go wrong, the child may:

• Blame themselves
• Feel scared to speak up
• Worry they won’t be believed
• Be afraid of getting the coach “in trouble”

This emotional conflict is why grooming can continue undetected for months—or even years.

Red Flags to Watch For

Not every red flag means abuse is happening, but patterns of behavior matter. Pay attention if a coach:

• Wants frequent one-on-one time with your child outside scheduled practices
• Asks to give rides without another adult present
• Sends private messages or social media requests
• Shares inappropriate jokes or talks about sexuality
• Criticizes your child’s other relationships to isolate them
• Encourages secrecy or says things like “Don’t tell your parents”

If your gut says something feels off, trust it. You don’t need concrete proof to ask questions.

What Healthy Coaching Should Look Like

Good coaches encourage boundaries, not blur them. They:

• Keep communication open and professional
• Involve parents in scheduling and feedback
• Treat all athletes fairly, without favoritism
• Avoid one-on-one time that can’t be observed

Youth sports can absolutely be intense, emotional, and even life-changing. But they should never feel secretive, isolating, or uncomfortable, for your child or for you.

What to Do If You Suspect Grooming

You don’t have to confront the coach right away. Start by documenting what you’ve noticed:

• Save messages, emails, or texts
• Write down concerning behaviors with dates and context
• Talk to your child gently, without judgment

Then, consider taking these steps:

• Raise your concern with a program director, school official, or team manager
• Request a meeting and bring documentation
• Ask what abuse prevention policies are in place

If you feel your concern is being dismissed, don’t back down. You can also file a report with your local authorities or speak with a legal professional.

In New York, reports involving minors can be submitted to the Statewide Central Register of Child Abuse and Maltreatment. If the coach is a licensed educator or athletic trainer, you can also report to the New York State Education Department Office of Professions.

Talking to Your Child About Grooming

This is one of the hardest conversations for any parent, but also one of the most important. You don’t need to use scary words. You just need to create a space where your child feels safe and heard.

Start with questions like:

• “Has anyone ever made you feel uncomfortable or confused at practice?”
• “Does your coach ever ask you to keep secrets from me?”
• “Do you ever feel like you can’t say no to your coach?”

Let them know:

• They can always tell you anything
• You won’t be angry, even if it’s hard to hear
• Their safety matters more than the team, the coach, or the sport

It may take more than one conversation. That’s okay. Just keep the door open.

How a Lawyer Can Help If Something Happens

If you suspect grooming has led to abuse, or fear it might, you don’t need to figure it out alone. A sexual abuse attorney can help you:

• Understand your child’s legal rights
• Report the coach to the proper authorities
• File a lawsuit if the program failed to protect your child
• Keep your family’s identity protected during the process

At Horn Wright, LLP, we’ve helped families navigate heartbreaking situations with care, clarity, and compassion. Whether you want to report quietly or take formal legal action, we’re here to support your decision.

You Don’t Need Proof to Take Action

Many parents feel torn between wanting to act and not wanting to overreact. But grooming is about pattern, not proof. If something feels wrong, speak up. Ask questions. Push for transparency.

You’re not just protecting your child, you may be protecting others, too.

At Horn Wright, LLP, our sexual abuse attorneys stand beside families who’ve experienced betrayal where they least expected it. If you need answers, guidance, or just someone to listen, we’re here.

Your child’s safety isn’t up for debate. And neither is your right to protect them.